Too Many Thoughts

Hello friends :)

Firstly, I apologise if I ramble a bit too much in this post. There's no plan to this post - it's all raw and blubbering Holly writing here. 

I have a lot of things running through my mind at the moment… Scary times ahead with placement, loneliness and many awkward encounters in the nurses quarters, and the fear of not knowing if I'm where I'm meant to be. It's not been a smooth-sailing week. As I write this I'm sitting on my bed in my home away from home (nurses quarters while I'm on placement) with a little mug of tea with a touch of honey. I think I made the tea to feel some sense of comfort and normality. I've even just found myself looking through some old photos on my laptop (while I really should be studying for my statistics exam this weekend) and well, let's add nostalgic to that list above as well. 

Tomorrow I will have my marks for halfway of placement revealed to me. Just the thought of that terrifies me. I have two supervisors and they will talk through how the past 3.5 weeks have gone and what I need to do in the next 3.5 weeks to pass the end of placement. I do appreciate receiving feedback, however I think the formality of this meeting is really what scares me. I'd much rather receive feedback on a drive to a home visit with a couple of pointers from my supervisors. In reality they will go through a form section by section and rate me on each aspect of practice. 

I've put a lot of pressure on myself recently. I really want to do well and be the best Occupational Therapist I can be but the stress of always trying to be 'perfect' and comparing my skill set and personality to others really hit me last week. Honestly, I held back a panic attack all day and eventually ended up in tears. Now I'm afraid that this will be my reaction tomorrow as well and I don't want that…but I don't know if I can hold myself together at the moment. 

Adding to this stress is thoughts that OT might not be what I'm meant to be doing. Most people know that I really did not enjoy first year of uni, however I felt like the past two years have been a lot better and that I found something that suited me. Now I'm starting to question that again. I guess a lot of people don't really know what they want to do but it's hard when you feel stuck in something you're not so sure about. The thing is, if I wasn't doing OT, I'm not really sure what else I would be doing. I feel like the other careers I've thought about are either not very sustainable or not the perfect fit either. I'm a big believer in following your dreams and passions but right now I feel stuck in a rut. 

On top of this - the nursing quarters kind of suck. Everyone living here sticks to their own rooms and when you do run into someone it's incredibly awkward. There are no words spoken. Literally none. You'll get a smile returned if you're lucky. I've had particularly awkward encounters with the guy that lives in the room opposite mine. He's usually shirtless and spends way too much time in the bathroom and we always happen to run into each other... Even this morning, I was leaving the kitchen at one end of the hall with a bottle of milk in my hand (as you do) and he was leaving the showers from the other end of the hall. Our rooms are in the middle of said hall, so we walked down to our doors, unlocked them back to back, and didn't say a word. I think we've mutually decided to ignore each others' existence… 

All in all, I feel a bit defeated, deflated, stressed, and as cheesy as it is - lonely. Fingers crossed things start to improve from here on out. Again, sorry for this horribly depressing post, I really needed to blurt these thoughts out. I do hope you're having a wonderful week!